Steps to Avoiding Conflict in Marriage

Hello ladies!
Are you enjoying your summer? I hope so! I am having a great one, but wow is it ever busy!
Just got back from a wonderful weekend away with my hubby, we haven't snuck away like that since before Lauren came home from China three years ago...thank you Grandma and Grandpa for taking her for the weekend!

This post was written last year but it is timeless info for us as wives, I pray it blesses you!

Originally posted July 2008...

If you are married, surely you face conflict on a regular basis. Daily we are given opportunity for arguments and strife. I put together a list of things to consider before conflict becomes damaging to your marriage:

1. Avoid the words "you" and use "I" instead.
When we point the finger at someone it immediately makes them feel accused and they will automatically respond defensively.

2. Don't use the words "always" and "never" while having a heated discussion with your spouse.
Chances are, it won't be a truthful statement, and it will bring a sense of hopelessness to the situation.

3. Think before you speak!
Sounds simple, but it is so easy to blurt out a statement without thinking through the possible reprocussions of it. Boy do I know this one!

4. Apply this verse during a disagreement:
Prov 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.
NIV

It is amazing how just softening your tone can change the atmosphere in a room.
Think about it like a fire...you can either pour gasoline on it or water. A gentle answer is like pouring water on a fire. A harsh response is like gasoline.

5. One of my favorite sayings, look in the mirror first.
What do I need to change? How have I escalated this situation? What can I do differently?

6. Deal with bitterness and unforgiveness.
Many times the argument at hand is just a symptom of a deeper issue that is unresolved. Sometimes we hold on to things for years and never deal with the hurt and anger than lie beneath.
Get alone and pray about it. Ask the Lord to heal your broken heart.
Forgiveness will most likely be involved in this process.

Here is an article I wrote about my story of a broken heart:
Bring God Your Broken Heart

7. Empathy.
Put yourself in your spouses shoes and try to see things from their perspective- especially considering their personality type...etc.

8. If you can't resolve things, please talk to someone who will give you Godly advice.

This is a short list, so feel free to add more in the comments!

I am praying for our marriages,
Sue

Do not fear!

1 Peter 3:14-16

But even if you should suffer for what is right,

you are blessed.

"Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened."

15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

Always be prepared to give an answer to

everyone who asks you to give

the reason for the hope that you have.

But do this with gentleness and respect,

16 keeping a clear conscience,

so that those who speak maliciously against

your good behavior in Christ

may be ashamed of their slander.

NIV

I'm a Weapon of Mass Destruction in my own driveway

It was a beautiful sunny day, not a care in the world, in fact I think I heard angels singing that morning. I was minding my own business, pulling my truck out of the garage. I have a big truck, an Excursion, yes one of those "green" vehicles you hear so much about. My tree hugging vehicle has one of those annoying beeping signals that goes off every time I put it in reverse and leave the garage because of the shadows, so once again, I pushed the little button to make it stop. However this time, I should have let it sing it's song of warning to me.

My husband had parked his truck in the most perfect spot for me to introduce my Excursion to it. Although it was trying to hide- can you believe how his truck just blends into the landscape? It's practically camoflauged there in the driveway, up against the green background of the trees, all dark blue and sneaky like. (This is a re-enactment so the truck was actually facing the other way but don't let that interrupt the story for you).

So I back out of my garage and smack right into his stealth truck sitting there all smug. Well, the joke was on that pickup truck because my Excursion didn't even get a scratch, but look at what happened to him.
I screamed, Lauren jumped, and then I kicked myself (which is not easy sitting down) for being so stupid as to turn off my irritating beeper and worse yet- for not looking behind me!
Ugh! How could I be so stupid?! I soooo wanted to turn back the clock about 20 seconds and do things very differently. BUT, as you know I couldn't.

That is where the lesson for marriage comes in. In the same way that I could not take back my actions, we can't take back our words. We need to think very carefully about what we say to our spouses, especially when we are really upset about something.

So many times, I have said things that I wanted to take back, but the damage had been done and I had to deal with the consequences of those bitter words.

Let my regrets in driving be a reminder to you and encourage you to think about the results and reprocussions of the words that you speak BEFORE you say them so you don't end up becoming a weapon of mass destruction in your marriage or should I say a "weapon of mass DISCUSSION".

Follow this and you should be just fine!
Eph 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
NIV

So to answer the question stiring in your mind... he was fine. He shook his head and couldn't understand how I didn't see it...but he didn't get upset. Whew!!!

A Life Changing Three Minute Message

This truth could change your life if you let it. (OK, almost 4 minutes...but he gets me at the first sentence- I love it.)

Escaping the Devil's Trap

I couldn't say it any better...

2 Tim 2:22-26
Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.

24 And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,

26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil,

who has taken them captive to do his will.
NIV

Let's Not Be Fools!

Since it's vacation season I thought I'd re-post this one I wrote last summer during our travels doing trackside support at motocross races...enjoy and happy travels to you all!!!

Ever travel with your husband? As in, reading maps and whatnot???
Lots of fun!

I believe that traveling together can give you many opportunities to get offended and frustrated with your spouse. I’ve talked to a few women this past week about this very subject. Like us, they have traveled over 20 hours to get to these races and it has given them plenty of opportunities to get their feathers ruffled.

This all reminds me of a few scriptures:
Eccl 5:2
2 Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
NIV

James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

20 for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
NIV

Slow to speak… I’m working on that one and had a great chance to do so this week. When we pulled into our vendor spot last night and the rig didn’t fit… it was best for me to be SLOW to speak! If I would have started trying to tell him where we should go and how we should move, I’m quite sure it would not have gone over well. Especially because I have no idea what I’m talking about and if I stressed about it or seemed frustrated, it would have further raised the tension of an already overwhelming situation.

It’s not easy to back up and wiggle around 75 ft of vehicle! But my man did it!

Have you ever put thought into this verse:
Prov 13:10
10 Pride only breeds quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
NIV

In other words… the only reason we quarrel is PRIDE. Whenever there is a quarrel, pride is involved in at least one, but probably both sides.

And what about this one…
Prov 20:3
3 Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.
NLT

Ouch, does that one hit home with anyone but me?!
Have you ever been in the kind of mood when you just kept insisting on quarreling? I have and results of it are not so good. The Bible clearly calls us a fool if we keep up this kind of behavior.

But, it is honorable to avoid a fight. I love that. I want to be a woman of honor, don’t you?

Let’s be woman of honor and see how many times this week we can avoid an argument!

I'm praying for our marriages!

Sidewalk chalk goes awry...

It starts out like (almost) any other day, a father and daughter doing some chalking...

Suddenly, things go bad...(or good depending on your point of view)

She returns the offense...

With great satisfaction!

is thinking...mom would never do this with me....

..and she's so right...

It's like putting mascara on, you can't do it with your mouth closed...

Add a squeel for effect...

And a hearty guffaw!

...continue with giggles throughout...

My little Asian smurf and her very fun Daddy!