GREAT! The Lid Came Off the Mayo Jar

Hello,
I just got back from a glorious run on this beautiful Michigan day!

Not really...wouldn't you hate me if that was the truth??
The truth is, the weather IS beautiful for Michigan today, 40's and sunny. But the run was tedious and tiring and I wanted nothing more than to stop and drive to McDonalds for a McFlurry.
The glorious part is that it's done. Amen.

I don't usually write on the weekends but Lauren did something today that I wanted to tell you about.

First let me warn you, there is nothing spiritual or redeeming about this. It's kind of ugly and nothing like the beautiful things that Ann Voskamp writes on the weekend.

Lauren (7yo) opened the fridge, started rifling through it and grumbled in disgust, "Don't we have any cupcakes?! Where are the chips?! GREAT! the lid came off the mayonaise jar!"

Now, it should be noted that I don't think we've had cupcakes in this house in a month and I never keep them in the fridge. Apparently she wanted the chips because she spotted french onion dip and I have no idea why she feels the need to take on responsibility for the mayonaise container.

If she was 10 years older I would assume we were dealing with PMS but evidently we're just dealing with an ornery seven year old who needed some time on her quad, thankfully she got that.

Now you should probable head over to Ann's website because she does sweet things on the weekends that make you feel happy about life, not me, I've had my nose buried in the book "Bossy Pants" by Tina Fey all weekend and I'm feeling a bit snarky.

Creative Way to Apologize

Hello! Happy Friday!

After yesterday's post, I thought something a little more light hearted would be good. But let me just say, wow. Not only was that the most traffic my little blog has ever seen, but I was overwhelmed with email and messages after that post, many of which brought me to tears. I said a prayer for each of you, and I plan to write more about abuse in the future.

Late yesterday afternoon I jumped in the shower to get ready for these sweet ladies who were coming over.

They are planning to start their own Praise and Coffee Nights here in West Michigan. We had so much fun!

But as I stepped out of the shower, this letter was slid under the bathroom door, along with a marker that clearly took some time to jam under the door.

It said:
Dear Mom and Dad I em sry I was men to you do you frg m yess or no srk wun

Translation:
Dear Mom and Dad, I am sorry I was mean to you, do you forgive me? yes or no, circle one

She waited impatiently outside the door with constant requests that I "circle one."

I opened the door and asked what she was talking about. When was she mean to us?
Evidently she felt that she was mean to us the night before when she had a bad attitude. I had forgotten all about it, hello-just another day with a 7 yr old.

It's so funny sometime what their little hearts hold on to.

Of course I wrapped my arms around her and gave her lots of love but that wasn't enough, I had to "circle one." And she wanted me to go back in the bathroom and slide it back under to the door to her.

I obliged.

So, next time you blow it and need to apologize to someone I suggest you write a little note, feel free to use Lauren's words, and slide it under the door when they are showering. It is hard to stay mad at someone who spends 10 minutes jamming a marker under the door.

The Nightmares

Lauren's been struggling with fear. Fear of bad guys. It overwhelms her at bedtime. She's afraid that they will come in during the night and take her from us. It plagues her nightly. She begs me to lock all the doors and windows and questions me repeatedly if I've followed through.

It breaks my heart. What brings this on? We've never given her reason to worry. Our house is in a quiet safe neighborhood in the country. Her Daddy is a proficient marksman, her 250lb 6'1" brother lives here, we have a security system and this.

Sure, she looks harmless NOW, and she is recovering from being hit by a car but I guarantee you, she would get all kinds of ugly on someone that tried to get in this house uninvited.

But how could she feel unsafe in this house? Why doesn't she trust us to protect her?

Night after night she simmers and stirs on the irrational notion that someone could burst into our home and snatch her from her warm bed. I sink exhausted into my chair when she falls to sleep but it's a temporary pause until she wakes shouting at strangers that she imagines in her time between sleep and wake.

She mumbles and cries, thrashing in bed, "Momma!! Mommy! No no no!" and my heart aches as I try to quiet the anxiety pouring out of her cleft scarred lips. She's not fully conscious and eventually she quiets and falls back to sleep. Often I'm summoned back during the night to lie next to her after the bad guys come back in her dreams.

As I wrestle with how to convince her that she's safe, I think of how God must feel that same way about me. He's given me no reason not to trust Him, no clue that He would abandon me. In fact I've learned that even when it looks like He's walked away and left me with my fears, I find that He was there all the time. He was just quiet for he moment, watching to see who I'd run to. Like mine, His arms ache to comfort His children.

Just like I long for Lauren to rest in the security of her home, I know the Lord wants the same for us.

Psalms 46


1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Life is a Series of Moments

I am thankful.
My family and friends give me reason to smile every day.

Even when I look back at the events in my life that brought intense pain, I see how they have served to mold me into the person I am. I was not always thankful for those times but I was thankful in them because I believed that God loved me and even if I couldn't see His purposes at the time, I trusted in that love.

There were desperate days that I clung to the hem of His garment begging for things to change...and in His grace they didn't. But that past pain has now brought depth and feeling to areas in my life that could have remained numb. It's brought deep growth when complacentcy could have kept me shallow.

Most of all, it's made me thankful. Embracing the good times with family and cherishing my sweet friends that I share laughter and tears with. Holding moments of love tightly in my heart and turning from the clutches of bitter unforgiveness and offense.

Life is a series of moments.

Don't let the moments get lost in the momentum.

And laugh. Laugh a lot.

This is an entry from a my journal when Lauren was 5 years old...it still makes me laugh, I hope it brings a smile to your face today too.

Hearing loud music coming from her bedroom, I crack the door to hear Toby Keith blaring and see this child siting on the bed with her motorcycle helmet on surrounded by our two large dogs while "talking" on her cell phone. She looks up at me and says without a second's hesitation..."oh good you can be the Grandma."

I hope your Thanksgiving has many wonderful moments.

Much love,
Sue

No one else looks like me

My heart broke.

Lauren had the day off so we went to the grocery store and then to Pizza Hut to redeem her book-it coupon that was burning a hole in her pocket. She was sorely disappointed when she realized that all she received for her coupon was a pizza. I think she was expecting balloons and pony rides, or at least a prize box from which she could pick a super ball or plastic necklace. Nope, just a pizza. But that's not the heartbreaking part, at least it wasn't for me.

As we sat there and talked she complained about her swollen lip. She had a slight accident while sledding the day before and her top lip was red and swollen making the scar from her cleft lip surgery even more pronounced than usual.

She was very self-conscious about it, constantly checking in the mirror to see if the swelling had gone down.

I assured her that it would go away and look just fine by the time she went back to school. This didn't satisfy her. I mentioned that it was right on her scar so it looked worse than it was. The minute I said that I saw the life drain from her beautiful brown almond-shaped eyes.

Her head dropped and she slinked out of her booth to crawl into my lap and weep.

"Mommy, why does my lip look like this?" she asked with tears streaming down her face.

With every mommy bone in my being aching I answered, "honey, you were born with a cleft lip and the doctor fixed it but it left a little mark but it will fade."

"No one else in my school looks like me, NO one." she lamented.

I held her tight and kissed every inch of her I could reach.

She calmed as I told her how beautiful she is and how special God made her. That she was also the only one in her class that came all the way home from China. This seemed to appease her for the moment.

As she climbed back in to the booth across from me I asked her to give me a great big smile so I could take a picture of her.

I know that not one of you looks at this picture and sees a "flawed" little girl, but you see her heart and passion and know that she is a precious gift of God.

I pray that you would remember this the next time you start to compare yourself with someone else. Think about how you wanted to convince Lauren that she is beautifully and wonderfully created by God...and look yourself in the mirror and say that same thing to your reflection.

The Father feels just as heartbroken when we compare ourselves and rate our own worth.
You are His daughter, He loves you.

Sometimes the Past Haunts Us

I originally posted this 3 years ago but this message has been going over and over in my heart lately, hope it touches you too.

As many of you know, we adopted Lauren from China a little over a year ago. She was 2 years old when we brought her home and she had lived in an orphange for all of her 2 years.

We struggled for several months and still do at times, with her attachment to us. I would say she is strongly attached now, but it has been a struggle.

We have come leaps and bounds and I believe she is very securely attached to me, but there are so many little "quirks" that she has that reveal the past fears and insecurities. Sometimes I really wish she could tell me about the things she has seen and experienced. We get glimpses, but never the whole picture.

That brings me to what happened the other day. I was unpacking all my Christmas stuff and she was sitting with a basket of last years Christmas cards looking at each one of the pictures. She was there for a good 10 minutes just studying them while I was busy decorating. Suddenly she yelled "MOMMY!" and ran over to me with a card in her hand. With a very sad and upset face and tears in her eyes, she kept yelling-

Mommy! No Mommy! No Mommy! and shaking her head.

I looked at the picture and this is what is was...

She was very upset and said, NO MOMMY!....MOMMY GO BYE-BYE...!!!

She kept repeating it over and over and I realized that she was saying that the little girl in the picture was sad because her Mommy had left her. That's when I saw that the little girl was Chinese.

My heart just broke and I held her and assured her that this little girl's Mommy had not left her, she was just praying to Jesus.

I wish I could get inside that little mind and know all that she thinks and how she processes things, but it is clear that she has glimpses of the past that haunt her.

Our job is to love Lauren and protect her and pray that she will be healed from her past and that it won't affect her future. I believe God has big plans for my little darlin' and He will use her past to bring healing to others.

So..................................... what about you?

Do you ever have glimpses of the past that remind you of past pain? Does a picture or memory send you reeling in grief?

If so, the Holy Spirit is there to bring the love of God into your heart and show you the protection and security that only God can bring.

Eph 4:22-24
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds;
24 and to put on the new self,
created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
NIV

I pray you are able to trust that Your God loves you and will never leave you, and that you can put your past behind you and be made new in Him!

*Video* Lauren's First Motorcycle

We have some awesome friends in motocross and a bunch of them pooled together to get Lauren her first motorcycle. We are so thankful, and clearly see their plan to get us back to the racetrack! :)

I have a feeling we'll be there soon, I can't wait!

Yes, it is me taking the video and doing all the screaming...



Thank you all so much!

Tears of Sadness and Joy

I will never forget this morning 8 years ago. I was teaching Bible study and I felt a pull on my heart to drop our lesson for the day and devote the morning to prayer. In fact the only thing written on my agenda was one word- pray.

As the ladies and I sat praying for the different needs in our families that morning our youth pastor came in and said "pray for NY, a plane has hit one of the twin towers." I admit, I had no idea what that meant, I was picturing a little twin engine bumping into a building.

Then he came in again, a second tower has been hit and they think a plane is headed for the white house, they have fighter jets in the air...then the scope of what was happening started to hit us. Our nation was under attack.

As the day unfolded, the horrors were made clear. I just remember thinking...the world has changed, everything changed today.

I will never forget seeing this, how far we have come:




We need to remember...we need to keep praying.

And then...I never dreamed that 5 years later I would be waking up in a hotel in Xi'an China. Nervous, excited, scared and overwhelmed at the thought of meeting my 2 year old daughter for the first time.

11:00 AM finally came around and we sat in the lobby waiting for them to bring her to us. I'll never forget when they walked through the door. I grabbed Mark's arm and said- it's her!
So tiny and frail. Her little face emotionless. The nanny carried her up to the hotel room and it was there that I reached out to her and put her arms around my neck for the first time.

She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was mine. I didn't let go of her the whole day. She had captured my heart instantly. I looked at Mark after the others left and I said, "I love her, I really love her."
She's never stopped capturing our hearts, and I've never stopped falling in love with her.

So needless to say...this day is an emotional rollercoaster for me. The news and radio make me cry with sadness but this little girl with the almond shaped eyes makes me shed tears of joy.

Sidewalk chalk goes awry...

It starts out like (almost) any other day, a father and daughter doing some chalking...

Suddenly, things go bad...(or good depending on your point of view)

She returns the offense...

With great satisfaction!

is thinking...mom would never do this with me....

..and she's so right...

It's like putting mascara on, you can't do it with your mouth closed...

Add a squeel for effect...

And a hearty guffaw!

...continue with giggles throughout...

My little Asian smurf and her very fun Daddy!

Abandoned But Not Forgotten

Lauren loves other little Asian girls. She is drawn to them as if some imaginery cord ties the daughters of China. She immediately points them out in public and tries to find a way, clumsy at times, to connect with them.

I wish I knew how much of her first 2 years living in an orphange she remembers. She loves to read her books about adoption and drinks it in when I tell her how we flew on a big airplane to bring her home. Her books tell of little girls living together with their nannies waiting for their Mommies to come for them. She beams when we turn the page to Mommy holding her new little girl.

She is often upset to see a child on tv standing alone or crying for any reason. She asks, 'where is their Mommy?' and won't let up until I explain exactly where Mommy is and that she will be there to take care of her baby.

I felt so bad recently when I walked out of the room while she was watching the movie "Homeward Bound." I completely forgot about the part where the little girl is lost and alone in the woods. I came back into the room to check on her and she was about to burst. Her little face was beat red and she was crying so deeply that her body was quaking but the sound had not made it out of her mouth. I grabbed her in my arms and she started to wail, she was inconsolable. I felt awful and of course I burst into tears right along with her.

It's times like that I wonder what fears still haunt that little mind. Did she know while she cried in her crib those 2 years, that the ache in her heart was for the comfort of a mother? Did she see others leave as their Mommies and Daddies came and wish she could leave also? I'll never know.

However I do know that God intended for this little girl to be redeemed from the steps of a Buddhist Temple that she was abandoned on. He planned from the foundations of the earth that she would be brought into our family and loved as one of our own. She may have been abandoned, but she was never forgotten.

Neither are you.

Summer's in full swing!

Busy, busy, busy!
We are having a good time so far this summer.

Starting with swimming lessons...

And Princess Camp!!

All ready for the ball!

Tip toe-ing through the tulips...kind of.



But don't let the dress fool you! She would much rather be riding her quad all day long!

Also.........

Want to help some city kids have a good summer??

The Fresh Air Fund is looking for host families and donations.

Click here for more info:
Fresh Air Fund

Mashed Potato Flowers

The other day, Lauren had speech class (she had a cleft palate/lip and is learning to speak correctly). The teacher shows her pictures and she says the word.

She had a couple cute ones the other day.

The teacher showed her two women and instead of saying lady or mom, etc. She said "friends!"

I love it!

That's the way it should be huh?!

Then she showed her a picture of a garden. With rows of plants sprouting out of the ground. Lauren looked at it and said, "mashed potato flowers!"

I laughed so hard. What a forward thinker!

She looked at those plants and thought- those will lead to mashed potatos (one of her favorite foods).

How do you look at life?

Another person may have looked at that garden and saw WORK...pulling weeds, watering, dirt, mess, bug invasions or rabbits!

But she saw the reward.

I want to think like that!

Those plants didn't look a thing like a potato, but that didn't matter to her, she knew what they were capable of.

Reminds me of a man in the Bible that looked at his circumstances differently too.

Romans 4:18-21
Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead-since he was about a hundred years old-and that Sarah's womb was also dead.

20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,

21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

NIV

Here's a couple of promises that He's made to you...

Matt 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

NIV

Heb 13:5
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

NIV

Matt 6:33-34

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

NIV

Let's look at life for the joy it can bring us and see mashed potato flowers in our gardens!

Friday Fluff

The other day I was having a "discussion" with my 16 year old daughter and as she left the room I jokingly said, "you better watch it or I'm gonna spank you!"

Lauren looked at me with amazement ...I could see it in her eyes, oh what a joy it would be to see someone else get a whooping!

Then she ran up to her bedroom and hurried back down the stairs, she came up to me with a wooden spoon in her hand and said, "here Mom, I found this under my bed."

She's such a little helper :)

**********************

Ok, I'm going to confess. On Christmas day we played a cruel joke on Lauren. As she unwrapped her gifts...well first-get this picture. The six of us are sitting around the Christmas tree. Two brothers ages 20 & 18, one 16 year old sister, Mark and I and of course-the center of attention-Lauren.

So she's opening her gifts and as she sets them aside to move on to the next, one of the older kids would grab that gift and sneak into the other room, put it in Sam's (the German Shepherd pup) kennel. Then they would say, "Lauren, where is your __________?" everyone would look around and someone would suggest that maybe Sam took it, and she should go check the kennel. So she would run in the other room, to find her toy in the dog kennel and yell, SAM! She would grab her toy, bring it back and the whole cycle would begin again with another toy. All the while Sam is minding her own business gnawing on a bow in the corner.

We all got the biggest kick out of it, but it has served to bring a little contention between she and Sam. To this day, when she walks out of a room, she makes me promise not to let Sam get the toy that she is playing with at the time.

I'm surprised she hasn't brought the wooden spoon out for Sam.

***********

Life is never dull around here. God has been so good to our family, I'm grateful everyday.

She's Changed Our Lives Forever

Sometimes I look into her beautiful brown almond-shaped eyes and imagine.
What would her life have been if she had never left China?

What would she be doing today.

Would she be playing?

Would she have friends?

Would she trust anyone?

Would anyone hug her?

Would anyone hurt her?

Would she be smiling?

Would she laugh?



It brings me to tears.
What would her life be like without her Mommy and Daddy?



And then I think, what would my life be like?

How many smiles wouldn't have crossed my lips?

How much laughter would this family have missed?

How many hugs would these arms have ached for?

How often would I sing and dance in my living room without her?

We have forever changed her life, and she has forever changed ours.

I'm so thankful.

My Stunt Girl

This video was taken early spring- that's why my yard looks so horrible. :)

Matt (my oldest) was coaching Lauren to ride down the hill (I am shooting the video).
As of 2 weeks ago she ditched the training wheels- go Lauren!

She wanted to go out back and ride our motocross track but Matt started her in the front yard.

Makes Me Smile

Praying for China

Sometimes I have these deja-vu type moments and I remember. A smell, a sound, whatever it may be, brings me back to China and a flood of emotions overwhelm me.

Of course when we went to China 2 years ago, I was over the top excited to be meeting my daughter. After kissing pictures of her and rocking alone while crying because my arms ached to hold this little girl who captured my heart, I finally was able to feel her in my arms. To look into her little eyes and see her gaze back at me- as if she's seen me before. We prayed that the Lord would give her sweet dreams in the orphanage and I believe with all my heart, he showed her the mother that was coming. I'm telling you...that look...call me crazy- I don't care...she'd seen me before. Her eyes said to me- "it's you."

But I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Aside from the joy of receiving my daughter, I did not enjoy China. I did not have a love for her culture or many of the people there. The lack of respect for life, especially life that may not be "beautiful" or "normal," angered and saddened me.

A woman in the park (ie. a large concrete slab) smiled at Lauren until she saw her scar from the cleft lip, then quickly pulled her child away. It is common for children like Lauren to be kept in rooms "for the deformed" while in the orphanage.

The society is void of God as a whole because of the Communist government. They are so deceived. They still worship Chairman Mao decades after his death. His pictures hang everywhere, most notably in Tiananmen Square (as seen in the picture of us while in China). This man murdered 10's of millions of Chinese people with great satisfaction. The horrors he brought to this country are since forgotten by many and now they adore him, mostly due to the political campaign to keep Communism alive, for fear of the government losing control.

It has taken me some time to get to the point of hurting for these precious people. I know that most of them think the way that they do because it has been programmed into them since birth.

While I still am upset with the Chinese government, I know that our battle is not with flesh and blood, but with the evil forces behind the deception. I now feel a great love for these precious people.


I did share the Lord with our guide Jane while in China. She was very sweet and I pray that she opened her heart to Him.

During this Olympics, we have an incredible opportunity to reach people that don't know Him. I believe that many will come to know the Lord in China at this crucial time in history and our prayers are essential to their salvation.

Here is a headline from the Voice of the Martyrs:

Pastor Sentenced to Re-education Through Labor - China Aid Association

On July 4, Pastor Zhang Zhongxin was sentenced to two years re-education through labor in Jining city in Shangdong province. According to China Aid Association (CAA), "Shandong Re-education-Through-Labor Management Committee issued a written decision sentencing Zhang Zhongxin to two years re-education through labor.

Authorities accused him [Zhongxin] of cult participation in the ‘whole scope of the church' organized ‘Sunday school training courses, preaching the gospel to the northwest, Tibet and other places for missionaries and pioneers sermons.'" CAA added that in 2005, Zhongxin established The Rainbow Missions Fellowship and Timothy Bible Training School in Jining city, Shandong province, where Christian leaders are trained.

Zhongxin has appealed his sentence. Pray for Zhongxin and his family during this difficult time.
Ask God to give them courage as he appeals his sentence. Ask God to protect believers in China who face trying times as the government cracks down on believers ahead of the Olympics next month.

It is hard for me to believe that this happens even today.
Voice of the Martyrs is offering free bracelets to remind us to pray for China.
I encourage you to click on the link in my sidebar for your free bracelet and pray for the Chinese people. They desperately need it.



Also, I just want to say how thankful I am and always have been for Lauren's birth mother who 1st chose to give her life and then when realizing she could not care for a child with special needs (and I DO understand this- it would be terribly difficult given the expense and stigma) that she laid her on the steps of a very busy temple knowing that she would soon be found.
To her, I am eternally grateful.

Turning 4 is a blast...literally!

The whole family got together today to celebrate Lauren's birthday.

It started out with all of us going to church which she loved because her whole class sang "Happy Birthday" to her! And she was thrilled to see an old friend, Sophia, that was also adopted from China.

We all sat 'round while she opened her gifts.

Aunt Tracy showed up with more gifts!

If you look close you can see that instead of giving her Aunt a hug, Lauren has snatched

the giant ball out of her hands and is running for third base!

"I think we should do this everyday!"


Steph got into the spirit of things!

Matt and his girlfriend CJ, looking a little tired after just returning from New York this morning.

Matt has been at the American Comedy Institute attending a training seminar and audition for their year long school- which he was accepted for! So he will be leaving for New York in September, more on that later....

"Grandma, I just love you!"

OK, so here's the cake story...

Mark and I took her out to pick out a cake.

There were princess cakes, flower cakes, cakes with butterflies and beautiful decorations...but does Lauren want them...NOOOOO.

She picks the only monster cake in the bakery!

~sigh~

She cracks me up that girl!

I have about a 100 pictures of her blowing out the candles because she enjoyed this part so much, we lit the candles and sang "Happy Birthday" 4 times.

Yes, we're weird,

but we're happy, how about you?!! :)

More blowing!

(Actually, I am always a little touched when she blows out a candle

because when she came home to us she could not blow at all due to the cleft palate,

so every blow does a little something to my heart.)

What 4 year old's birthday would be complete without dangerous fireworks

and hap-hazard sons playing with them?

Yes, that is a bottle rocket flying out from his hand.

DON'T try this at home please.

And really- don't try this....

they set one in my flowers but it didn't lift off

so it blew my flowers to smithereeens!

Notice the smoke wafting out of the lovely watering can.

Then my son ran away like a little boy and drove

his scared little buns to the store to buy me new flowers LOL!!

It was a very good day, and the passed out child on my bed is living proof of it!!

Happy Birthday sweet darling, we love you!!

Lauren and her buddies!

My friend Sheila took this of Lauren and her boys and sent me the quote.
I love it!

A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

~Author Unknown