Ok girls, let's talk. This is a tough one. I know that those of you affected by this have probably not talked to many people- if anyone about it.
It's the awful secret of pornography.
My heart has been burdened by the things that women have shared with me. Through your emails and sometimes face to face, your pain is evident and overwhelming. It's the thing that you think about sometimes from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep. You feel hurt and rejected. You question your own womanhood.
Your heart has been broken by the secret life of your husband, and you can't talk to anyone about it. You don't want people to look at him differently. You feel that if you just keep up the facade of a happy little home...somehow it will all be ok. After all, somehow it must be your fault anyway. (Not true of course, but that's the lie that screams in your mind.)
What I want to do this week is give you the opportunity to pour out your heart anonymously. I am setting my comments to "moderate" and I will not be posting any of them unless you write "YES, post this" at the beginning of your post. And if you share anything about your personal story that you want me to share, make sure you have discussed it with your husband and he doesn't mind you sharing.
You may send them anonymously or use your ID, I have a sitemeter but I truly have no way to really track who you are and I have so many local readers now that I don't know who anyone is anymore.
I would like to know your story. Tell me how you have dealt with this (if you have) and what has been an encouragment to you?
Next week, I plan to share some of what you have already told me and will share (still keeping it anonymous of course) and how the Lord has brought you through.
The plain truth is that this is hard to say- let's have a small group! But at the same time, your hurting and needing some encouragment.
For now, let me say...YOU are precious. YOU are beautiful.
The Lord longs for you to see yourself as He does.
He also loves and adores your husband.
I'm praying for our marriages.
Edited to add: I have closed comments to this post but feel free to email me.
18 comments:
Thanks for you responses, they will be kept completely anonymous.
Sue
Mark Driscoll has a free ebook that can be downloaded and printed free on his blog, on this subject called The Porn Again Christian.
http://theresurgence.com/
It is an excellent resource.
His book Death by Love is also outstanding.
You can print this. I have had many problems in my life but this is one that I can thankfully say I have never had to deal with. I think it is wonderful what you are doing here, Sue, because we know it is a BIG problem even within the "Church". God bless the wonderful work you are doing with and for woman.
Susan
{yes as I am posting anon}
Internet pornography nearly tore my marriage in two a little over 4 years ago. I felt so betrayed by my husband and I was admittedly a little angry with God. I grew up with an unGodly father and strove to find the opposite in my husband, which I thought I had when I met him at church 20 years ago. I was a "good girl", my husband was the only man I had ever been with. Why would God allow this to happen to me, knowing all that I had been through? It also made me fell differently about the intimite time we had shared together - like if he was thinking about those women when he was with me.
A book that helped me a lot was "I Surrender All: Rebuilding A Marriage Broken By Pornography” by Clay and Renee Crosse. I also had my sister as well as my best friend (who just happens to be the minister's wife) to help me as I struggled with it all.
My husband agreed to having a child's type of internet login and swore that he would never look at it again but he never went to any formal counseling. He believed he could deal with his addiction on his own.
It has taken some time for trust to be rebuilt and for healing to occur.
Sue~
Bless your heart..this is truly a TOUGH issue..and one that my husband and I have been boldly "bringing" up as we minister to people.
I've spent a lot of time...ministering to women who say, "I have a friend...who's husband struggles with __________(fill in the blank".
This is a real issue...something a real concern and it's time the church/we as christians stop sticking our heads in the sand...stop acting as though this is the WORST sin ever...and start loving, discipling, and counseling those who find themselves trapped in this bondage.
Jesus has come to set the captives free...and women need to know there is a safe place for them to come..to go...knowing they are not alone....and that they will not be judged..or looked at in an unfavorable light.
Ladies...be encouraged..after years of ministering to people struggling with this issue...know that it's not about you...in the sense that you feel as though it's
*your fault
*you are not pretty enough
*you don't have the figure you once did
*etc....etc...
Satan knows what to use..to hook husbands to the sin of pornography...and JESUS...holds the keys that will free you.
Sorry this is so long Sue..but I have such a passion..to see couples set free from this!!!
(you may post)
WOW...this is something that my husband has/had struggled with since he had been in High School. Then when we got married and the internet entered our home, it just got worse.
I never actually caught him, but after we had been married for about a year, he came to me weeping one night. That is a night I will never forget. He sat on our couch and admitted to me that he had been spending hours on our computer looking at porn. We went to counseling, but a few years later I realized that counseling was mainly for me.....
A few years went by and another one of those nights occurred. Once again we sat in our living room with him weeping and admitting to me that he had once again been looking at the porn online. At that moment, I got up and canceled our internet service. I got angry. Angry with him, with God, with myself.....
After a couple of months I ran across a woman online (with a blog) that was married to a minister that had done somewhat the same thing. I too am married to a minister. We never shared this with ANYONE. This is the first time I have ever even written about it.
We have both prayed, saught forgiveness, and worked through these issues together with God and his word. He never confessed this to anyone else...just me and God.
Today, after 12 years of marriage and struggles, we both believe that God has healed him from this addiction. Does that mean he is not tempted? No, but we are praying now that God will continue to guard him from anything that would cause him to fall. Do I feel that God has healed me from the hurt.....up until about a year ago I would have said not quite, but now I believe he has because I can look at my husband and feel his touch without feeling flawed, imperfect, hurt, disgusted, angered....all the feelings I had before. Now I feel, love, acceptance, attractive, wanted, peace....
Now, we have internet, but we have a filter that blocks all forms of pornography. I can't even go to Victoria Secret at the house.
I know that this has gotten extrememly LONG, but I wanted to share and I wanted to let those out there who may be going through the same thing that GOD can and will work in him and you if you let him.
Hi Sue,
I am not sure why I was drawn here today except that I too posted about this subject some months ago. At that time the Psychologist who was working with me suggested I talk with a woman who was seeing her for this very purpose. Porn in the marriage.
I asked her to write, from her perspective, what she had been dealing with and she agreed. I hope her words will find the one reader who needs them so I thought I would share them with you as well. Here is the link:
I also have such a passion for couples who are walking this road. This is not a personal struggle in my own marriage, but there are many who need healing and help. Hope this is okay to add this to the discussion. Thank you for your boldness to reach out and help. Love and hugs, Lynn
This is a big problem in the churches today. My husband and I have been in various churches around the country. For years it has been a "secret" sin...one that the church didn't even address. Promise Keepers has brought it out in the open as well. We have counseled many couples with this problem. It has even torn apart some marriages as well. I too have had some women writing me personally concerning this problem in their marriage and family. I am so glad that you are addressing this issue. Too many women are secretly suffering in shame.. and it's not their shame if they are not the one in porn... but for some reason their husbands make them feel like it's their fault! NO WAY>>> Thank you again for taking this topic on.
God bless you dear sister,
and yes, you can print this.
Michele
http://michele-risingabove.blogspot.com
Good for you for tackling such a "Hot topic".
Early in our marriage...my husband confessed to me that he had rented a movie (that I wouldn't approve of) while I was out at work. I was confused and angry. We had a great sex life and we both loved the Lord. So why the struggle, I wondered?
Years later the Internet world brought my husband new temptations. Internet porn...
Again more confessions of struggle. We tried being accountable to each other but it was very difficult for me. I was so hurt each time he failed and my heart ached. This was a 3 year battle that didn't seem to get better.
We ended up moving to a new City and the Church we were at directly discussed the issues of sexual purity. My husband was mentored by a wonderful man and both of us grew in the Lord, learning how God saw us and really experiencing his love. We decided to pray together ever day.
From beginning to end his struggle with Porn was a 7 year (?) battle...but it's been way more than that now, that it is no longer a problem for him.
I have asked what was the key to overcoming? He says these two things:
1. Getting closer to God
2.The grace that I showed him
To this day we are still accountable to one another but I rejoice how it's no longer a stronghold in his life. I encourage him to share with other men so they know that there is hope and that you really can beat this!!
And I share hope with the woman because God was also faithful to heal my wounded heart!
Thank God that today, we share a wonderful, healthy, PORN FREE marriage!!
Feel free to post this comment, as I have written it anonymously.
(you can post this)
PS. I found the Book "Every Man's Battle" very comforting. It validated the "wife's feelings" so well. My husband also read this book and it was helpful.
Thank you ALL for your comments. I just want to remind you, I won't post them unless you specify on the post or through email that you want it posted, and YES, men feel free to comment.
Here's the story of someone that emailed me and said I could post it:
Six months ago I felt like my world came crashing down and maybe even stopped. My husband and I are Christians and have a great marriage or so I thought.
Six months ago I found out that my husband was viewing internet pornography. To my husband’s credit, when I confronted him, he admitted to it (I’m told that this is rare).
What became and continues to be a battle for me, became a relief to my husband. He was embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, and wanted to stop these ‘’viewings”. Of course he didn’t want me to find out, but when I did, he saw it as something to help him be freed from his temptation.
We installed a software program and I am the only one who knows the password. We’ve spoken openly about this problem with each other. He explained to me that it was a lust problem, not a marriage problem.
He, in a sense, has a new lease on life. The internet was THE temptation and I’m helping him with accountability just by holding the password.
I, however, am still suffering. I accidently saw the last video he viewed. It disgusted me. It humiliated me. It hurt then and it hurts now. I still see this video in my head usually at night when the Enemy takes a hold of me.
I often find myself in a place where the Enemy is telling me that - I’m not enough - why wouldn’t my husband want to view someone other than me – what do I have to offer – does he like what I’m doing in bed or not – is he wishing I were someone else – is he thinking about someone else - does he wish he’d never married me - is he being honest with me – can I really trust him?
I feel threatened when another female (especially a younger one) dresses in tight clothes or shows cleavage. Things that used to turn me on now make me angry.
How do I start over when these things keep rearing their ugly head at me? My husband and I talked about these things and he totally understood and felt I had every right to ask and feel these things. I know he’s been trying to show his love more than ever and I believe that his love for me is real. In spite of this, the wound feels so fresh sometimes and I just can’t let go.
Oh, how I want to let go! I know I just have to step out and trust him. I know I just have to step out and trust God. But I don’t want to get hurt again. That hurt was and is deep and if I’m honest, I don’t think I want to risk it again.
So I’m left with hanging on to something that torments me. I know and believe God is real, but I feel like I just can’t get to Him or Him to me when the Enemy has me in his grasp. I have the opportunity to go on a trip, but I’m scared to death that my husband will be tempted to view something when I’m not there (the software program is good, but not 100% fool proof).
I don’t want to be like this. I want to be free and feel like this part of my life never happened. I’m physically, mentally, and spiritually tired.
Re. the lady who saw a video that her husband had seen and now is so hurting:
Wow. I remember being in pain the way that you are now. It will take time...but God will heal your heart. It takes time to re-build trust again...but again, it can happen.
I discussed with my husband (when he confessed his struggles) that although he felt relief (getting things in the open), i felt betrayed, unloved, hurt, etc.
It did take a LONG time for me my heart to heal BUT now....there have been many, many, many wonderful years since...that it is more like a distant memory and there is no longer any "sting".
Sue. Maybe you could edit this message and just print what you feel is appropriate? All or nothing, is fine with me.
(YES)
I praise God that you are addressing this issue of sin with in marriages. It is definetly as many have said a "secret" issue that no one likes to talk about or even acknowledge. I have experienced this sin from with in my marriage and watched it plague many other marriages and I have seen Christ prevail through each time!
Pornography, the effect of lust, a product of sin has not only found it's way into my home, it stayed awhile,8 years and I can say finally it found it's way out, for it no longer lingers. It went through our house and Christ crushed it beneath His feet.
In my own experience with this sin, lust, it has reared it's disgustingly ugly head on more than one occasion and on deeper levels than just on a computer screen. The pain from each time was and can not be expressed with words it was gripping, my heart in each instant sank threatened to be swallowed up in a dark abyss.
In each God enabled me to beable to endure it and seek forgiveness. I know that with out His power working in me I could not have carried the weight of my husband's sin. Each time it felt like a personal attack on me although I KNOW that to not be the truth now... in those moments I was consumed by the lie of my insecurities. I believe satan has a foothold in many marriages due to this issue of pornography. It is hindering the hearts of many God fearing men from wholeheartidly serving Him, their pride and fear of shame and hurting their wives keeps his foot in the door. Many think they can keep it between them and God but this sin affects the marriage and it's ultimate meaning in displaying the covenant of Christ and the church.
My husband and I have through all of this seen the true POWER OF GOD. Although sin found a comfortable place to dwell for a time and the invisible dominions thought they were gaining victory in our marriage... Christ dominated with His power. God has delivered my husband of this addiction through a contrite heart, seeking forgiveness and realizing that this was hindering him in serving the Lord and actually causing times of dark depression. He now realizes that sin had been clouding his vision and heart in our marriage and now after confessing everything, which some discourage husbands to do in marriage telling EVERYTHING, he has been set free from the bondage of this sin and we can now finally for the first time in our marriage walk on a truly clean slate. Ladies, it was PAINFUL to hear EVERYTHING but at the same time I praised God because if your husband repents then He is working and we must trust Him through the pain. At first going through old memories was painful because I would see the shadows sin left behind in each memory but now can only see the blazing glory of Christ.
If you are dealing with this in your marriage I plead with you to set your your mind and heart on Christ, He is your ROCK, your REFUGE that you can safely run to. I pray that in all marriages if this sin is present that God will have the victory and raise up a stronger love from with in and a continued deeper understanding of the gospel. Know that with Christ all things are possible...
Kelli
Something else I have learned is that this sin is NOT ABOUT ME, or US as wives. It is between God and our husband, although it hits us hard in the face piercing our hearts, we need to focus more on the affects of this sin on the glory of God rather than ourselves and seek His forgiveness and as their wives help in a godly way to keep them accountable as we would any other struggle they might have. It is all about HIM.
Books I know my husband would recommend for husbands to read:
Fidelity by Douglas Wilson
Sex, Romance and the Glory of God by CJ Mahaney
The Porn Again Christian by Mark Driscoll
Death by Love by Mark Driscoll
I relied on the word of God to equip me with the strength, so I have no book recommendations other than His word.
Pornography is a huge problem, especially with the internet making this stuff so available. I am so sad for the people who have experienced this with their husbands.
It's difficult to know what I would/wouldn't under these circumstances and I am thankful that I'm not. At times I don't know if I could/would stay under the same roof as long as that was taking place and especially if I had children. On the other hand, I would need to be a soft place for my husband to land if he were struggling with this. I struggle with food addiction so I understand addiction and the need for understanding. The bottom line is irregardless of what it is, the best thing to do is for husband and wife to get together AGAINST the porn and not let the porn come AGAINST the husband and wife. Just my thoughts.
Pornography found its way into my home when I was a young girl. My Uncle got a satelite dish and did not block out any channels. So I am one of those rare cases that a woman got addicted to pornography.
It was a battle off and on for many years for me. I have completely overcome it now at this point in my life...only to have discovered that my husband is now having issues with this in his life.
I knew before we were married that he had dabbled in porn but so had I and I was over it so why would I not believe him when he said that he was over it.??
Turns out he is not over it but we are working together to try to eliminate some of the temptations. He does not have the password to either of our desk top computers and the laptop that he has to use for work now has a program on it that monitors his use of the internet. Covenant Eyes is the name of it. It is new so we shall see how it is.
As for me? I don't know how to feel. I am choosing to forgive since I don't really have the option not to. But I don't trust him nor do I want him anywhere near me. This is hard...and I am angry that I am having to "deal" with this yet again.
Forgive Me Lord!..I once was Blind, But Now I SEE!..This may be Printed also Annonmousely..When I-12Yrs.ago had Prayed To God for A Christian Husand to Someday Bee Mine,& Out Of Gods Great Love, he has Provided Me just that..A Kind,Gentle & Loving Christian Man..And I Thank Him Everyday for Our Christian Marriage..BUT~~Around the 8th Yr.That we were Married, Things grew Cold & Busy between us..The Everyday Pressures of Everyday Life & Stress & All, I Guess!..Nothing Real bad..But, The Devil saw this as an Opportunity to Destroy Our Happiness for Good..It all just started with A Valentine Gift Of Some Sexy Lingerie, & A Trip to The Naughty But Nice Store, Then It grew more into Sneaking The PlayBoy Movies into Our Bedroom, Thinking Well..Their Not AS BAD as the Rest..What?.Was I Thinking?..I guess I was thinking that I Must DO Something, Anything at All, To KEEP My Husband Interested in Me & Our Special Times Together..Well, Little By Little The Movies grew, & I Started to Detest what it Was Starting to Do to Us Both..I Felt Dirty, & After talking with My Husband in Our Own Private Times together, He Also was feeling Dirty, Shamefull, & Knew that We Both Must Not Allow this Evil into Our Home Any-longer..So, I made a Clean Sweep & Got Rid Of Everything, That Set Itself Up Aginst Our Minds, & Marriage & Body..Now, Thankfully To God- We Have A Much MORE Plentifull Romantic, Marriage & Un-Shamefull Times Of Passion & Love United as One In Holiness unto Our Lord God!
What The Lord has Brought Together, Let No One put Asunder..Amen!..Marriage Is Holy, & A Precious Gift From Our Lord & Friend, To Be A Help-Mate to One Another- Here Untill He Arrives for us all..I Am So Much more Happier & Pure & Blessed now that I have Seen & Had My Eyes Opened to This Tragedy of Setting ANYTHING Wicked before Our Eyes..Amen!..Please, Take It from One who has Been There, It Is NOT Worth it..At All!
In Jesus Refreshing New Love..Have A Blessed Love Filled Valentines Day..+..
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